Why I use Meth

by Luke A Lawton

I use meth to treat ADHD. Go ahead, laugh. It doesn’t bother me, I don’t care what you think. If you want to know why I use meth to treat ADHD, it is because it works. Ever wonder what Adderal or Ritalin is? According to a study published by the National Institute of Health, Adderall and methamphetamine are “almost identical in structure”. And don’t ask it – I already know what you’re thinking and the answer is coming up.

I’ve suffered from this god awful condition as long as I can remember.   In school, teachers would say “If Luke would just slow down and check his work, he would be a straight A student.” and the report cards would always say the same.   School came very easy and I never studied.   I graduated second in my class and that was after failing one semester of chemistry after an unfortunate high school arrest.  

School was easy, but finding my wallet, my keys, my books or anything else for that matter was not.  I always had 1000 projects going (and still do for the most part) and never finished any of them.  In my adult life, I’ve come to understand the nature of my problem is not lack of intelligence, nor is it a poor memory.   My mind is so active that I simply cannot pay attention to what the rest of my body is doing.  I’ll be caught up in a firestorm in my head – plotting and planning and designing and snap back to reality to find myself in a physical place of which I just arrived with no recollection of getting there.      About 20,000 times per day I unknowingly set down my phone and have no idea where it is.   Not because I don’t remember where I set it, because I didn’t have the knowledge of where my hand put the fucking phone in the first place.. Simply put, I do not have the capacity to pay attention to myself under certain circumstances.

Which brings us to the question that you didn’t ask – why not use legally prescribed Adderall instead of illegally procured methamphetamine?  Here are a few reasons:


  • I have been trying to get medication for over 20 years and have been unable to do so.
  • It’s cheaper and easier to get.
  • It works better than Adderall.

You’re probably wondering how I know that it works better than Adderall if I’ve never been prescribed it. And to answer that, I have gotten it several times on the black market and done comparisons. Given the choice between the two, I of course would choose legally prescribed Adderall.

I have had ADHD meds prescribed to me, but here is how it goes – doctors have to try non-addictive choices first – and I get that. The first one they try is almost always Welbutrin (I’ve been on that many times) which does nothing for me. Then they try anti-depressants (I’m not depressed, I have ADHD). I’ve been on Cymbalta which was HELL. Getting of it took 6 months of tapering off and I had electrical shocks in my head during the whole process. Then once I was on Strattera and valium, xanax and klonopin which seriously made me crazy. So crazy that I ended up in medical detox in the hospital for 30 days. Not a fun experience. The medical world has failed me here.

Recently I decided to try the legal route of the doctor again. But ran into a road block – the shrink won’t see me until I get ADHD testing done and literally the only thing my health insurance doesn’t cover is ADHD testing. I could get a sex change and they would cover it, but not ADHD testing.

So there you have it.

Decriminalizing Addiction

San Francisco is a pretty screwy place.   You can’t buy cigarettes in drug stores, you can’t buy Menthol cigarettes anywhere (something about targeting black people), plastic straws are illegal and so are plastic bags.   It’s not uncommon to see a naked dude walking down the street and people who ride public transportation are seen to be of a higher intelligence that those who drive.  It’s beautiful and filthy, accepting and intolerant,  and sweet and sour.

The city does a lot of things wrong.   One thing it’s doing right is how addiction is viewed and how drug addicts are treated.   On more than one occasion, I’ve been in a situation where I was searched and where the police found a pipe with shit in it or a little baggie.  In all cases (except for one, and that was because the officers were not from San Francisco) said paraphernalia was returned to me and I was told to go on about my merry way. No judgemental comments, no tickets, no warnings, nothing. Why? Because the San Francisco Police have been trained that drug addiction is something to help, not lock up. Can you imagine being stopped by the police and when they noticed you had a sniffle being handcuffed? Having a drug addiction is no more of a crime than having a cold.

Now if I would have been dealing those drugs, then yes – my ass should have been arrested. But don’t spend your time telling us run of the mill average everyday addicts that it’s a disease when we’re trying to get clean and arresting us when we’re not. And if my addiction isn’t causing me or anyone else harm, just leave me the fuck alone.

How many jobs have you been fired from in your lifetime? Me: Zero. How much money do you make / year? Oh $60,000 – are you just successful? This meth addict is pushing $200,000 / year and that is 100% legal activity that money’s coming from – a job with benefits paid for by my employer in their entirety. Now the next time you get drunk and run over your neighbor’s garbage can sit back and tell me my life is unmanageable. Or when you walk down to get your disability check because you’re so fat you can’t work or just too plain lazy to get a job don’t forget to stop to call and tell me that I’m a fucking burden on society.

Better yet, next time you get the fucking flu just go right to the police station and turn yourself in – we don’t want your kind roaming the streets.

No Time Served

LA County Jail’s Twin Towers house more prisoners than most Midwest towns.  The Twin Towers dominate the skyline in the area and the energy is heavy.     I flew in to pay a visit to a good friend in for a probation violation.     He is in the building between the Twin Towers, known as Men’s Central Jail.  This is where the county houses the gay population, separated for safety.  

To visit someone in LA County custody, one must make an appointment.   This appointment is like no other appointment you will ever make.    You think getting someone from the IRS on the phone is difficult?  Think again.  I tried for a month daily to get an appointment but there was never one available.   I figured the system was fucked up and if i went there in person I would surely be able to see him. I had already bought the ticket so that was all that I could think to do.

As it turns out, there are rules. Lots of them. First off, you have to be approved as a visitor, with a background check and everything. And you can’t be a felon. You can’t have orange hair, you can’t be left handed, you can’t like Pink Floyd.

Then there are the rules they don’t tell you about. Like this one: You have to make the appointment exactly 7 days in advance. Not 6, not 8, not 14 or 31. 7. It’s the only option. But you don’t know this because they don’t tell you and they won’t answer their phone and they don’t check their email. And they don’t fucking care that you . just flew 2000 fucking miles to get to the fucked up hell hole that is LA only to be told to just go the fuck home.

I am not bitter.

The above is an example of sarcasm.

I was feet from the dude and they didn’t let me see him. They have 15,000 prisoners and only 15 slots per week I’m told. Fuck them. I spent $2000 to come to your shit hole.

Reflections on the Holiday Season – the Season of Stealing

Last year right about this time I had a trick over from Scruff. He stole my laptop. Luckily I had iCloud on it I had the guys name his phone number and because I had iCloud I knew exactly where the laptop was.

I walk to the police station. I file the report. The San Francisco police department refused to do anything about it even after giving him the person’ name, the person’s number, their location, the serial number of the laptop and a picture of the thief.

Merry fucking Christmas. This  Police Station was one in a neighborhood that isn’t even busy for them.  Nobody speeds, there’s no crime for the most part and they seem to spend a lot of time at the convenience store.

I mean seriously what the fuck?

I could maybe see it if it were in a high-crime neighborhood.  But it’s not.

The non-action clearly states that they don’t care.  Certainly doesn’t make me feel safe.

This is the kind of thing that makes ordinary citizens take things into their own hands.