Why I use Meth

by Luke A Lawton

I use meth to treat ADHD. Go ahead, laugh. It doesn’t bother me, I don’t care what you think. If you want to know why I use meth to treat ADHD, it is because it works. Ever wonder what Adderal or Ritalin is? According to a study published by the National Institute of Health, Adderall and methamphetamine are “almost identical in structure”. And don’t ask it – I already know what you’re thinking and the answer is coming up.

I’ve suffered from this god awful condition as long as I can remember.   In school, teachers would say “If Luke would just slow down and check his work, he would be a straight A student.” and the report cards would always say the same.   School came very easy and I never studied.   I graduated second in my class and that was after failing one semester of chemistry after an unfortunate high school arrest.  

School was easy, but finding my wallet, my keys, my books or anything else for that matter was not.  I always had 1000 projects going (and still do for the most part) and never finished any of them.  In my adult life, I’ve come to understand the nature of my problem is not lack of intelligence, nor is it a poor memory.   My mind is so active that I simply cannot pay attention to what the rest of my body is doing.  I’ll be caught up in a firestorm in my head – plotting and planning and designing and snap back to reality to find myself in a physical place of which I just arrived with no recollection of getting there.      About 20,000 times per day I unknowingly set down my phone and have no idea where it is.   Not because I don’t remember where I set it, because I didn’t have the knowledge of where my hand put the fucking phone in the first place.. Simply put, I do not have the capacity to pay attention to myself under certain circumstances.

Which brings us to the question that you didn’t ask – why not use legally prescribed Adderall instead of illegally procured methamphetamine?  Here are a few reasons:

 

  • I have been trying to get medication for over 20 years and have been unable to do so.
  • It’s cheaper and easier to get.
  • It works better than Adderall.

You’re probably wondering how I know that it works better than Adderall if I’ve never been prescribed it. And to answer that, I have gotten it several times on the black market and done comparisons. Given the choice between the two, I of course would choose legally prescribed Adderall.

I have had ADHD meds prescribed to me, but here is how it goes – doctors have to try non-addictive choices first – and I get that. The first one they try is almost always Welbutrin (I’ve been on that many times) which does nothing for me. Then they try anti-depressants (I’m not depressed, I have ADHD). I’ve been on Cymbalta which was HELL. Getting of it took 6 months of tapering off and I had electrical shocks in my head during the whole process. Then once I was on Strattera and valium, xanax and klonopin which seriously made me crazy. So crazy that I ended up in medical detox in the hospital for 30 days. Not a fun experience. The medical world has failed me here.

Recently I decided to try the legal route of the doctor again. But ran into a road block – the shrink won’t see me until I get ADHD testing done and literally the only thing my health insurance doesn’t cover is ADHD testing. I could get a sex change and they would cover it, but not ADHD testing.

So there you have it.

Playing with Fire

I warned myself that I shouldn’t play with fire but I can tell that I’ll do it one more time. Don’t trust in myself, no good for my health. You mess with my heart now you’re the reason why.

Do you remember when you told me I don’t have to worry, he’s overseas out on his tour, he’ll be ok without me. You said you had nothing to hide that you left him long ago, I should have known that that was a lie.

I warned myself that I shouldn’t play with fire but I can tell that I’ll do it one more time. Don’t trust in myself, no good for my health, you mess with my heart now you’re the reason why.

Do you remember when you said do not tell anybody, cause if you do I’ll be the first to put my hands around your throat. If you had nothing to hide why is no one supposed to know? I should have known that was a lie.


Do you struggle with doing something/seeing someone/avoiding something even when you know that she/he/it is  bad for you, your health, your heart?

Decriminalizing Addiction

San Francisco is a pretty screwy place.   You can’t buy cigarettes in drug stores, you can’t buy Menthol cigarettes anywhere (something about targeting black people), plastic straws are illegal and so are plastic bags.   It’s not uncommon to see a naked dude walking down the street and people who ride public transportation are seen to be of a higher intelligence that those who drive.  It’s beautiful and filthy, accepting and intolerant,  and sweet and sour.

The city does a lot of things wrong.   One thing it’s doing right is how addiction is viewed and how drug addicts are treated.   On more than one occasion, I’ve been in a situation where I was searched and where the police found a pipe with shit in it or a little baggie.  In all cases (except for one, and that was because the officers were not from San Francisco) said paraphernalia was returned to me and I was told to go on about my merry way. No judgemental comments, no tickets, no warnings, nothing. Why? Because the San Francisco Police have been trained that drug addiction is something to help, not lock up. Can you imagine being stopped by the police and when they noticed you had a sniffle being handcuffed? Having a drug addiction is no more of a crime than having a cold.

Now if I would have been dealing those drugs, then yes – my ass should have been arrested. But don’t spend your time telling us run of the mill average everyday addicts that it’s a disease when we’re trying to get clean and arresting us when we’re not. And if my addiction isn’t causing me or anyone else harm, just leave me the fuck alone.

How many jobs have you been fired from in your lifetime? Me: Zero. How much money do you make / year? Oh $60,000 – are you just successful? This meth addict is pushing $200,000 / year and that is 100% legal activity that money’s coming from – a job with benefits paid for by my employer in their entirety. Now the next time you get drunk and run over your neighbor’s garbage can sit back and tell me my life is unmanageable. Or when you walk down to get your disability check because you’re so fat you can’t work or just too plain lazy to get a job don’t forget to stop to call and tell me that I’m a fucking burden on society.

Better yet, next time you get the fucking flu just go right to the police station and turn yourself in – we don’t want your kind roaming the streets.

i Wish i hadn’t found this……

If you haven’t yet seen enough asinine shit in this world (it’s because you’re not looking, it’s everywhere) head on down to your smart phone and open the Wish app (god, I wish it would just come already).    They’ve just launched their brilliant new feature, Community Video Reviews.    The section is chock full of out of shape women trying on their new see-through slut outfits.    Be warned, it’s a train wreck, once you start you’ll be stuck for hours.

Meth For Success: Principal One

The First Rule of Meth Club is that you don’t talk about Meth Club.

This should be a no-brainer, but it’s not. It requires a brain. And if you have completely fried our brain, you’re probably telling anyone who will listen. Keep it to yourself. Only involve those people that also do it and never tell anyone who doesn’t. Joining the Meth Pride parade should never be an aspiration. No, you’re co-worker is NOT going to understand. Your family is NOT going to get it. Keep that shit to yourself. This is the most important rule of Meth Club.

No Time Served

LA County Jail’s Twin Towers house more prisoners than most Midwest towns.  The Twin Towers dominate the skyline in the area and the energy is heavy.     I flew in to pay a visit to a good friend in for a probation violation.     He is in the building between the Twin Towers, known as Men’s Central Jail.  This is where the county houses the gay population, separated for safety.  

To visit someone in LA County custody, one must make an appointment.   This appointment is like no other appointment you will ever make.    You think getting someone from the IRS on the phone is difficult?  Think again.  I tried for a month daily to get an appointment but there was never one available.   I figured the system was fucked up and if i went there in person I would surely be able to see him. I had already bought the ticket so that was all that I could think to do.

As it turns out, there are rules. Lots of them. First off, you have to be approved as a visitor, with a background check and everything. And you can’t be a felon. You can’t have orange hair, you can’t be left handed, you can’t like Pink Floyd.

Then there are the rules they don’t tell you about. Like this one: You have to make the appointment exactly 7 days in advance. Not 6, not 8, not 14 or 31. 7. It’s the only option. But you don’t know this because they don’t tell you and they won’t answer their phone and they don’t check their email. And they don’t fucking care that you . just flew 2000 fucking miles to get to the fucked up hell hole that is LA only to be told to just go the fuck home.

I am not bitter.

The above is an example of sarcasm.

I was feet from the dude and they didn’t let me see him. They have 15,000 prisoners and only 15 slots per week I’m told. Fuck them. I spent $2000 to come to your shit hole.

Meth for Success

How to be Methcesful instead of a Tragic Meth.

Meth for Success. This is the first in a series of articles on how to to lead a successful life in spite of a meth addiction.

Every Meth Addict knows that society puts us at the lowest level – even other drug users treat us like dirt. I’m pretty sure none of you meth addicts reading this article ever actually went out in search of a meth addiction. Despite all of this, we don’t have the be the twacked out tweaker you see picking at their skin on the sidewalk near the club on a Sunday Morning.

There is a highly designed set of principles or rules if we may, that a meth addict must incorporate into their lives to accomplish one clear goal: Keep everyone else from knowing that you are a meth addict.

Why? Because no matter who you are, if you are found out as a meth addict, your life is over. You will lose your job, the respect of your friends, family and partner – not to mention society as a whole. And you will never, ever be able to regain it. Ever. So the goal is to prevent your secret from getting out at all costs. The series of articles will outline how I have done this for the past 25 years.

How to create a formula to get a random text value from a list of cells in a spreadsheet


In the table above, I wanna know who I should call to hang out with on Friday night. I want the computer to pick a random dude from the spreadsheet. The formula below shows how we are going to do this.

=INDEX(list of dudes, RANDBETWEEN(1, ROWS(list of dudes)),1)

The RANDBETWEEN() picks a number between 1 and the number of rows in the sheet.

The index() tasks that number and finds the row and returns the data in the first column (that’s what the 1 is doing at the very end.

Let’s get the values for the data range in there:

=INDEX($A$1:$A$8,RANDBETWEEN(1,ROWS($A$1:$A$8)),1

You could replace the $A$1:$A$8 with a named range if working in excel (I’m not)

And the answer (tonight) is Francisco.

The Hanky Code

I’ve always been fascinated by the Hanky Code. More fascinated, actually, with the reason why it existed as today it’s hard to fathom having to communicate with someone so secretly that the color of your snot-rag was your scruff app. Super low tech but highly effective and quite practical. The amazing thing is that the color of the piece of cloth had tremendous meaning to someone knowing the code but absolutely no meaning to someone who didn’t. How this knowledge was spread so effectively throughout the gay community without mobile phones, the internet is beyond me.

I wear a hankie quite often. I don’t think the younger generation knows about it as much but I do get some glances when I wear on in my back pocket.

Oh, I have red, orange, yellow, green and blue. You can do the math.