Meth For Success: Principal One

The First Rule of Meth Club is that you don’t talk about Meth Club.

This should be a no-brainer, but it’s not. It requires a brain. And if you have completely fried our brain, you’re probably telling anyone who will listen. Keep it to yourself. Only involve those people that also do it and never tell anyone who doesn’t. Joining the Meth Pride parade should never be an aspiration. No, you’re co-worker is NOT going to understand. Your family is NOT going to get it. Keep that shit to yourself. This is the most important rule of Meth Club.

No Time Served

LA County Jail’s Twin Towers house more prisoners than most Midwest towns.  The Twin Towers dominate the skyline in the area and the energy is heavy.     I flew in to pay a visit to a good friend in for a probation violation.     He is in the building between the Twin Towers, known as Men’s Central Jail.  This is where the county houses the gay population, separated for safety.  

To visit someone in LA County custody, one must make an appointment.   This appointment is like no other appointment you will ever make.    You think getting someone from the IRS on the phone is difficult?  Think again.  I tried for a month daily to get an appointment but there was never one available.   I figured the system was fucked up and if i went there in person I would surely be able to see him. I had already bought the ticket so that was all that I could think to do.

As it turns out, there are rules. Lots of them. First off, you have to be approved as a visitor, with a background check and everything. And you can’t be a felon. You can’t have orange hair, you can’t be left handed, you can’t like Pink Floyd.

Then there are the rules they don’t tell you about. Like this one: You have to make the appointment exactly 7 days in advance. Not 6, not 8, not 14 or 31. 7. It’s the only option. But you don’t know this because they don’t tell you and they won’t answer their phone and they don’t check their email. And they don’t fucking care that you . just flew 2000 fucking miles to get to the fucked up hell hole that is LA only to be told to just go the fuck home.

I am not bitter.

The above is an example of sarcasm.

I was feet from the dude and they didn’t let me see him. They have 15,000 prisoners and only 15 slots per week I’m told. Fuck them. I spent $2000 to come to your shit hole.

Meth for Success

How to be Methcesful instead of a Tragic Meth.

Meth for Success. This is the first in a series of articles on how to to lead a successful life in spite of a meth addiction.

Every Meth Addict knows that society puts us at the lowest level – even other drug users treat us like dirt. I’m pretty sure none of you meth addicts reading this article ever actually went out in search of a meth addiction. Despite all of this, we don’t have the be the twacked out tweaker you see picking at their skin on the sidewalk near the club on a Sunday Morning.

There is a highly designed set of principles or rules if we may, that a meth addict must incorporate into their lives to accomplish one clear goal: Keep everyone else from knowing that you are a meth addict.

Why? Because no matter who you are, if you are found out as a meth addict, your life is over. You will lose your job, the respect of your friends, family and partner – not to mention society as a whole. And you will never, ever be able to regain it. Ever. So the goal is to prevent your secret from getting out at all costs. The series of articles will outline how I have done this for the past 25 years.

How to create a formula to get a random text value from a list of cells in a spreadsheet

In the table above, I wanna know who I should call to hang out with on Friday night. I want the computer to pick a random dude from the spreadsheet. The formula below shows how we are going to do this.

=INDEX(list of dudes, RANDBETWEEN(1, ROWS(list of dudes)),1)

The RANDBETWEEN() picks a number between 1 and the number of rows in the sheet.

The index() tasks that number and finds the row and returns the data in the first column (that’s what the 1 is doing at the very end.

Let’s get the values for the data range in there:


You could replace the $A$1:$A$8 with a named range if working in excel (I’m not)

And the answer (tonight) is Francisco.

The Hanky Code

I’ve always been fascinated by the Hanky Code. More fascinated, actually, with the reason why it existed as today it’s hard to fathom having to communicate with someone so secretly that the color of your snot-rag was your scruff app. Super low tech but highly effective and quite practical. The amazing thing is that the color of the piece of cloth had tremendous meaning to someone knowing the code but absolutely no meaning to someone who didn’t. How this knowledge was spread so effectively throughout the gay community without mobile phones, the internet is beyond me.

I wear a hankie quite often. I don’t think the younger generation knows about it as much but I do get some glances when I wear on in my back pocket.

Oh, I have red, orange, yellow, green and blue. You can do the math.

Blue Chew Redux

Blue Chew passes judgement, rejects my order, gives me credit and ships a free order. Go figure. All is evidences by the email chain:

Three days ago: Got an email from Blue Chews apologizing for the inconvenience and that my money would be refunded.

Two days ago: Received another email the next day with a $35 credit for an upcoming order. What they are going to ship me is still a mystery as they denied my request as I wasn’t in a monogamous relationship*

Yesterday: Received an email that my order has been shipped! I am so confused. But there is a shipment tracking number and something is coming. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I have a shipment coming from one of their competitors as well.

My treatment plan even after I was rejected as being a polygamist.
My treatment plan even after I was rejected as being a polygamist.

*They should really re-think the business model of only approving people who are in monogamous relationships. People in monogamous relationships don’t have sex. I think it would be a hard sell. Oh, and who did your logo? Fire them.


Blue Chews and Values

I recently took advantage of a promotion for a free month of the Blue Chew Sidanofil erection medication that I received on the internet for taking a survey. They ask you a bunch of medical questions and I quickly got a response back that they needed more information. Here is how it went:

Dr: You mentioned being on Triumeq. Just want to clarify if you are HIV positive or any AIDS complex. Do you know your recent viral load and the date.
Are you in monogamous relation with a partner who is aware of your HIV status or do you practice Polygamy.
Please provide a detailed response to the questions.
Thanks. Dr.Subramaniam

Me: I am HIV positive and have an undetectable viral load. I am single.

Dr. I understand you may be single.Since you needed Sildenafil and being HIV positive, its very improtant to know your sexual practice.
Are you in monogamous relation with a partner who is aware of your HIV status or do you practice Polygamy. Please provide a detailed response to this question.
Thanks Dr.Subramaniam

Clearly Sildenafil doesn’t work on sluts. This is beginning to feel a little judgy. And I only get two choices – being in a “monogamous relation” or being a polygamist. I always thought there was more than that. I’m going to play along…

Me: Well, if I’m single then I’m not obviously not in a monogamous relationship. Is it your policy to only prescribe for those in a monogamous relationships? I’m also not a polygamist. This question feels like a values judgement. If you must know, I’m a responsible adult who informs his very infrequent partners of his HIV status and only engages in sexual relations with those that are also HIV positive. I only date one person at a time. I hope the medicine works on someone like me.

Automated Response: Thank you for becoming a member and trusting us with your healthcare. A review of your chart shows that you indicated you have _____. Unfortunately, we cannot proceed with your treatment and will be refunding your money as a result. Please allow several business days for your refund to process. Your chart will be closed and you will not be charged anything going forward. As always feel free to ask any questions,
Bluechew Medical Team

Me: I have ____? Is it serious???

They haven’t responded to that one yet.


I went to rehab once. Okay, so I went to rehab 3 times, but I’m only going to talk about one of them tonight.

I was reminded about this time in my life because I saw a posting tonight on instagram by a friend that I had at the time. Evidently her musical hobby has taken her from obscure electronic to some kind of kampy kuntry gig with big red wigs. Not sure I understand that but that’s not the point of tonight’s story.

Tonight’s story is about interventions. Yeah – the kind you see on tv where all of your ‘loved’ ones corner you in a room and say really bad things about you to your face until all you can do is beg them to jump in their car and drive you to the nearest 12-step meeting so you don’t have to continue to listen to exaggerated exasperated accounts of how you completely fucked up their life because you had a few drinks.

Sheesh. The drama of it all.

I’m not trying to minimize how fucked up I was or not take responsibility for the shit I caused to go down. I was a nut case at the time. I had been in a car accident and the doctors had put me on ADD meds along with an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety script. I hadn’t really been calmed down much from the valium they had given me, so they upped the dose. Twice. And then switched me to Xanax. And upped the dose, twice. And then switched me to Klonopin. Each change made me more anxious, energetic and nervous and because I was drinking more scotch that all of Scotland and Ireland combined, I got a little crazy. I was popping Klonopin like they were M&Ms and drinking liquor like it was water and the combination of that and the other meds I was on was seriously fucking with my reality. Sure, I needed to go to rehab and as fucked up as I was, I consciously knew that. And all anyone had to really do was mention it and I would have gone.

Well, that’s not how it went down. My friends evidently thought that rehab was going to be a hard sell so they planned an intervention that evidently took months to plan. The didn’t get a professional interventionist, but rather decided to go with my best friend’s husband as the moderator for the day.

And this is how it went down.

“I can’t believe that I trusted you with my children!” –the Kuntry Girl

“Blah Blah Nonsense Bullshit Everything is about me Blah” — my roommate Joe

I can’t even remember what people said but I do remember wondering how I ever got so many truly mean people to be my friends.

They said some stuff that still fucks with me 10 years later and you know how many of them came to visit me in rehab or talked to me when I got out or talk to me today? You guessed it – ZERO FUCKING NONE of the bastards. The weren’t there to help me, they were there to get me out of their lives because I was making them feel uncomfortable.

FUCK you.

If anyone ever asks you to be in and intervention to help out a loved one, go behind their back and talk to the person who would be the receiver and ask them to go to rehab. They probably will and you won’t lose their friendship.

As is stands, I lost what I thought was a hell of a lot of good friendships that day. But I guess all that was an illusion.