Meth for Success

How to be Methcesful instead of a Tragic Meth.

Meth for Success. This is the first in a series of articles on how to to lead a successful life in spite of a meth addiction.

Every Meth Addict knows that society puts us at the lowest level – even other drug users treat us like dirt. I’m pretty sure none of you meth addicts reading this article ever actually went out in search of a meth addiction. Despite all of this, we don’t have the be the twacked out tweaker you see picking at their skin on the sidewalk near the club on a Sunday Morning.

There is a highly designed set of principles or rules if we may, that a meth addict must incorporate into their lives to accomplish one clear goal: Keep everyone else from knowing that you are a meth addict.

Why? Because no matter who you are, if you are found out as a meth addict, your life is over. You will lose your job, the respect of your friends, family and partner – not to mention society as a whole. And you will never, ever be able to regain it. Ever. So the goal is to prevent your secret from getting out at all costs. The series of articles will outline how I have done this for the past 25 years.

How to create a formula to get a random text value from a list of cells in a spreadsheet


In the table above, I wanna know who I should call to hang out with on Friday night. I want the computer to pick a random dude from the spreadsheet. The formula below shows how we are going to do this.

=INDEX(list of dudes, RANDBETWEEN(1, ROWS(list of dudes)),1)

The RANDBETWEEN() picks a number between 1 and the number of rows in the sheet.

The index() tasks that number and finds the row and returns the data in the first column (that’s what the 1 is doing at the very end.

Let’s get the values for the data range in there:

=INDEX($A$1:$A$8,RANDBETWEEN(1,ROWS($A$1:$A$8)),1

You could replace the $A$1:$A$8 with a named range if working in excel (I’m not)

And the answer (tonight) is Francisco.

The Hanky Code

I’ve always been fascinated by the Hanky Code. More fascinated, actually, with the reason why it existed as today it’s hard to fathom having to communicate with someone so secretly that the color of your snot-rag was your scruff app. Super low tech but highly effective and quite practical. The amazing thing is that the color of the piece of cloth had tremendous meaning to someone knowing the code but absolutely no meaning to someone who didn’t. How this knowledge was spread so effectively throughout the gay community without mobile phones, the internet is beyond me.

I wear a hankie quite often. I don’t think the younger generation knows about it as much but I do get some glances when I wear on in my back pocket.

Oh, I have red, orange, yellow, green and blue. You can do the math.

Blue Chew Redux

Blue Chew passes judgement, rejects my order, gives me credit and ships a free order. Go figure. All is evidences by the email chain:

Three days ago: Got an email from Blue Chews apologizing for the inconvenience and that my money would be refunded.

Two days ago: Received another email the next day with a $35 credit for an upcoming order. What they are going to ship me is still a mystery as they denied my request as I wasn’t in a monogamous relationship*

Yesterday: Received an email that my order has been shipped! I am so confused. But there is a shipment tracking number and something is coming. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I have a shipment coming from one of their competitors as well.

My treatment plan even after I was rejected as being a polygamist.
My treatment plan even after I was rejected as being a polygamist.

*They should really re-think the business model of only approving people who are in monogamous relationships. People in monogamous relationships don’t have sex. I think it would be a hard sell. Oh, and who did your logo? Fire them.

BLUE CHEW

Blue Chews and Values

I recently took advantage of a promotion for a free month of the Blue Chew Sidanofil https://bluechew.com/ erection medication that I received on the internet for taking a survey. They ask you a bunch of medical questions and I quickly got a response back that they needed more information. Here is how it went:

Dr: You mentioned being on Triumeq. Just want to clarify if you are HIV positive or any AIDS complex. Do you know your recent viral load and the date.
Are you in monogamous relation with a partner who is aware of your HIV status or do you practice Polygamy.
Please provide a detailed response to the questions.
Thanks. Dr.Subramaniam

Me: I am HIV positive and have an undetectable viral load. I am single.

Dr. I understand you may be single.Since you needed Sildenafil and being HIV positive, its very improtant to know your sexual practice.
Are you in monogamous relation with a partner who is aware of your HIV status or do you practice Polygamy. Please provide a detailed response to this question.
Thanks Dr.Subramaniam

Clearly Sildenafil doesn’t work on sluts. This is beginning to feel a little judgy. And I only get two choices – being in a “monogamous relation” or being a polygamist. I always thought there was more than that. I’m going to play along…

Me: Well, if I’m single then I’m not obviously not in a monogamous relationship. Is it your policy to only prescribe for those in a monogamous relationships? I’m also not a polygamist. This question feels like a values judgement. If you must know, I’m a responsible adult who informs his very infrequent partners of his HIV status and only engages in sexual relations with those that are also HIV positive. I only date one person at a time. I hope the medicine works on someone like me.

Automated Response: Thank you for becoming a member and trusting us with your healthcare. A review of your chart shows that you indicated you have _____. Unfortunately, we cannot proceed with your treatment and will be refunding your money as a result. Please allow several business days for your refund to process. Your chart will be closed and you will not be charged anything going forward. As always feel free to ask any questions,
Bluechew Medical Team

Me: I have ____? Is it serious???

They haven’t responded to that one yet.

Rehab.

I went to rehab once. Okay, so I went to rehab 3 times, but I’m only going to talk about one of them tonight.

I was reminded about this time in my life because I saw a posting tonight on instagram by a friend that I had at the time. Evidently her musical hobby has taken her from obscure electronic to some kind of kampy kuntry gig with big red wigs. Not sure I understand that but that’s not the point of tonight’s story.

Tonight’s story is about interventions. Yeah – the kind you see on tv where all of your ‘loved’ ones corner you in a room and say really bad things about you to your face until all you can do is beg them to jump in their car and drive you to the nearest 12-step meeting so you don’t have to continue to listen to exaggerated exasperated accounts of how you completely fucked up their life because you had a few drinks.

Sheesh. The drama of it all.

I’m not trying to minimize how fucked up I was or not take responsibility for the shit I caused to go down. I was a nut case at the time. I had been in a car accident and the doctors had put me on ADD meds along with an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety script. I hadn’t really been calmed down much from the valium they had given me, so they upped the dose. Twice. And then switched me to Xanax. And upped the dose, twice. And then switched me to Klonopin. Each change made me more anxious, energetic and nervous and because I was drinking more scotch that all of Scotland and Ireland combined, I got a little crazy. I was popping Klonopin like they were M&Ms and drinking liquor like it was water and the combination of that and the other meds I was on was seriously fucking with my reality. Sure, I needed to go to rehab and as fucked up as I was, I consciously knew that. And all anyone had to really do was mention it and I would have gone.

Well, that’s not how it went down. My friends evidently thought that rehab was going to be a hard sell so they planned an intervention that evidently took months to plan. The didn’t get a professional interventionist, but rather decided to go with my best friend’s husband as the moderator for the day.

And this is how it went down.

“I can’t believe that I trusted you with my children!” –the Kuntry Girl

“Blah Blah Nonsense Bullshit Everything is about me Blah” — my roommate Joe

I can’t even remember what people said but I do remember wondering how I ever got so many truly mean people to be my friends.

They said some stuff that still fucks with me 10 years later and you know how many of them came to visit me in rehab or talked to me when I got out or talk to me today? You guessed it – ZERO FUCKING NONE of the bastards. The weren’t there to help me, they were there to get me out of their lives because I was making them feel uncomfortable.

FUCK you.

If anyone ever asks you to be in and intervention to help out a loved one, go behind their back and talk to the person who would be the receiver and ask them to go to rehab. They probably will and you won’t lose their friendship.

As is stands, I lost what I thought was a hell of a lot of good friendships that day. But I guess all that was an illusion.

How Getaround totally _________ my Christmas

I love Getaround, almost as much as Amazon Prime Now.   If either one of these service died, I’d certainly use the other more frequently.

This past Christmas, Getaround almost died, but not of natural causes.    I definitely had premeditated thoughts.  The question that came to the forefront was  if Get Around would totally fuck my Christmas or Save it.

Here’s what happened.  I was coming home for Christmas as a last minute decision and on a dime.   I didn’t have any money and my parent had bought my flight to the midwest.    Generally I rent a car, but I didn’t have enough on my card to do so.     I had a brilliant though – GetAround was in Chicago!  And that was where my flight was going.    I immediately reserved a car for a fraction of the cost of a rental and since Get Around bills you up front and includes insurance, I didn’t have to worry about having enough saved or on a card when the time came.

My flight arrived in Chicago and I was a day early.  I did that on purpose so I could enjoy a bit of the sex scene in Chicago before heading to my family’s farm.

The next day I was packing up and getting ready to go pick up the car when the phone rang.  It was an automated message from Get Around.  It said that the car I had rented had a dead battery and was no longer available for me.

Ok.  What the fuck do I do now?    I’m 2000 miles away home, 350 miles away from my parents house, have no money and the money I spent on the orignal Get Around car  would be returned to me but not for 3-5 days.

I called Getaround and they were sorry, they had no other cars for me.    I called back an hour later and explained the whole story to a nice agent and then ended the story with “Now I’m going to write about this experience and everything that happened to me for my blog.”  I made it sound like had tons of readers.   ” You are going to be in the story, Megan .  Do you want to be the angel or the villian?   Will you be the one to totally fuck me and my Christmas, or will you save the day?”.

It must have been the right thing to say.   She called me back an hour later with a car at the same price that I had before.    I drove off to my parent’s farm with time to spare for Christmas Dinner.

Ironically, I hit a deer on Christmas Day with the rented car.   Feel bad for owner, but I was out $1000 for the deductible that Getaround doesn’t really tell you about.  So Getaround fucked my new year, but saved Christmas.

Reflections on the Holiday Season – the Season of Stealing

Last year right about this time I had a trick over From Scruff. He stole my laptop. Luckily I had iCloud on it I had the guys name his phone number and because I had iCloud I knew exactly where the laptop was.

I walk to the police station. I file the report. The San Francisco police department refused to do anything about it even after giving him the person’ name, the person’s number, their location, the serial number of the laptop and a picture of the thief.

Merry fucking Christmas. This  Police Station was one in a neighborhood that isn’t even busy for them.  Nobody speeds, there’s no crime for the most part and they seem to spend a lot of time at the convenience store.

I mean seriously what the fuck?

I could maybe see it if it were in a high-crime neighborhood.  But it’s not.

The non-action clearly states that they don’t care.  Certainly doesn’t make me feel safe.

This is the kind of thing that makes ordinary citizens take things into their own hands.